WHY IS IT HARD TO DATE A BLACK MAN?

Before I discourage anyone from reading further, let me say that this is not a post to male bash.  I LOVE black men.  Even with their issues. Let me also say that I am a firm believer in you find love where you find it.  I really have no issues with who or what race anybody decides to date. (except those who "date" underage girls) However, what I do have a problem with is black men who feel the need to justify why they date who they date by bashing black women.

I read an article last week online that gave the top 10 reasons why black men feel it's hard to date black women.  I'm sure this is one list of many top 10 list that have been written on this subject.  It certainly is not the first that I've read. If you do a Google search, I'm sure you will find tons of articles alerting us to why we just don't hit the mark for black men.  The list I read said:

• Black women make black men feel under appreciated, unwarranted and irresponsible and regressive.
• Black women are too aggressive and no longer patient in waiting on the pursuit of a man.
• Black women are strong headed, too independent which presents great challenges in relationships.
• Black women are masculine in that they are controlling and like to run the relationship.
• Black women expect too much. They are gold diggers who will not look twice at a blue collar black man.
• Black women are hot headed and have bad attitudes.
• Black women stop caring about their appearance after a certain age.
• Black women are not as sexually open as other races, especially in regards to oral sex. Black women’s tolerance is far too low; they are no longer empathetic to the black man’s struggle in white America.
• Black women do not cater to their men.

I'm not going to comment of all of these.  You can come to your own conclusion about them.  But I will say that these reasons really got under my skin.  First off, by saying "black women" do these men realize that they are also lumping their mothers and grandmothers and aunties and sisters and cousins in this as well?  The same women who raised and supported them throughout their life.  The same women who will go to bat for them when they need them to.  I could go on and on until this post becomes a grad school thesis, but I won't.  I'll just list the reasons I received in answer to my question I posed to my friends.  The reasons why black men are hard to date are:

• No honor.  They don't put family first
• No humility.  They think they are owed something from you and the world
• They lack respect for our culture, family and friends. 
• They don't respect the struggle of the past, and don't care about the present.  They have no concept of the role they play in the future.
• It's all about money and how much they have and what they wear.  They are pretty boys.
• They are insecure 
• They have no aspirations
• Too many children with too many mothers
• They are looking for a mother and not a lover
• They want perfection when they too are imperfect beings
• They have no concept of what commitment is.  As soon as a problem arises, they are looking for the "next best thing"

The thing that gets me is that even though I received these answers, the women I know still date, marry and love black men.  Is it that black women are too loyal to black men or is it that we limit ourselves in the dating pool?  Are black men just more open to dating outside of their race and black women are not?  What I do know is that black women will go to bat for black men.  We have stood up for them when we know they don't deserve it.  We protect them when they are young, and we want to stand with them as adults. They say we are impatient in waiting in the pursuit of a man.  I say, what about the woman who has waited for you for years to commit and you never do? Why is it hard for a black man to stand up and protect us instead of bashing us?

I can take this a step further and say that black men have been leaving black women for a long time.  How many of us are raised by single mothers?  How many daughters grow up without their father?  Is it really something in us or something in them? 

We can go back and forth with lists giving reasons why it's hard to date them and why they feel it's hard to date us.  I say, all of us have our issues.  No matter what color we are.  But if a black man and a black woman can't work together to build a firm foundation for our families to survive, we will continue to see our culture deteriorate. 

Wanna add to the list? Comment? Suggestions?  Holla!!

Sweet T

WHAT'S YOUR PERSONAL SONG?

On a recent trip home from NYC, by Boo and I were chit chatting as usual.  He brought up an episode of Oprah (I love her) that he saw some time ago where Ms. O spoke on the need for a personal song in one's life.  Basically what it boils down to is a song that defines who you are or how you are feeling at a point in your life.  He said that got him to thinking, what would his personal song say about him?  Well, at this time in his life, his journey has brought him to Ledisi's "It's Alright".  For those who know of this song, you know that she is saying that no matter what is going on in her finances, love life, job or whatever at the time, she knows every thing is going to be ALRIGHT.  I love that song.  Good choice Boo!

As I began to ponder the question, I began to think over my life.  I think a personal song can change according to what's going on in your life or how you are feeling.  I thought about things that have happened in my life, how my attitude has changed, and how different things have effected both.  So, this is how I think my personal songs in life have gone:

In my early 20's I would say my personal song would have been Mary J. Blige, "My Life".  I am a HUGE Mary fan!  I consider her music as my life being put out there for all to know.  In "My Life", she really touched on how I was feeling at the time.  On the outside I was happy, but if you really look at my life, you would see some things that you didn't even know were there.

In my mid 20's, I would say Fred Hammond's "Let the Praise Begin" would have been my personal song.  At that time, I was introduced to a personal relationship with my Lord and Saviour.  As you all know, when you are first introduced to Him, you feel renewed.  I couldn't do anything but Praise Him at that time.  When I thought about how good He is and was to me, praise was all I could do.

Still in my mid 20's, I became pregnant.  Yeah, I know.  How did that happen after all the praising?  Well, we all fall short right? As I said in a previous post, that was a turning point in my life.  I won't go into further detail, I would just say that at a certain point, my personal song would have been "I'm in love under new management".  As I've stated before, I loved my son from the beginning.  I had no clue how I was going to take care of him, I also didn't want to be a single mother, but the life growing inside of me I loved from the beginning.  I knew that because of that love I felt, I would do what it takes to make his life as enjoyable and comfortable as possible.

My later 20's and early 30's were a confusing time for me.  I still loved the Lord, and I knew that I was forgiven.  But I also knew that there were some things in me that needed to change in order for me to move forward with my life.  I needed to forgive myself for some things, I needed a change of heart in some areas, and I needed confidence in knowing who I was in this life and who I was to God.  At that time I would say that my personal song would have been Fred Hammond's "Your steps are Ordered" and "Give me a Clean Heart".  I knew that God was dealing with me on some things.  I knew that the embarassment, rejection, condemnation, lack of understanding, pain, and the feeling of being unlovable were things that I had to let go of in order to live a full life.  I could literally feel in my heart that God was dealing with me.  I too had to deal with myself.  That process took longer than I expected, but I think I'm finally to a point where I can say that I beleive I'm forgiven, I no longer feel the pain I felt (at least not as strongly as I did), I am lovable (and so is my son) and I am not ashamed any more. 
None of that is to say that God is done with me.  By no means is my journey complete.  I will never get to the point where I feel I am all together.  I know I can always learn and grow.  Especially in the things of God.  What I am saying is that during that time, I found out a lot about myself. Some of it was painful, but it was worth going through. 

Now on to the present.  In the car that day, I thought about all of this, and the personal song I think gives an inside look into my life would be, Jill Scott's "Golden".  I think I am finally at a point in my life where I know who I am.  Sometimes I do forget tho. :) I don't let things bother me as much as they used to.  I love learning, and meeting new people.  I am a little more confident than I used to be. :)  I truly feel that I am living my life like it's Golden because it truly is!  We only have one to live.  Hopefully, this is the last personal song for me.  I plan to continue to live my life like it's Golden no matter what. 

With that said, my tidbit would be, please live your life like it's GOLDEN!  It really is the only one we get.  Don't waste it. 

What would your personal song be?  I would love to hear it.

Peace!

Sweet Tee

OFFICIALLY MISSING YOU.....

Guess what?  I'm not talking about my man.  I'm talking about my perm.  As you all, (my faithful 8 followers) know, I'm transitioning from a perm to natural hair.  Meaning, no more chemicals to alter the texture of my hair. I titled this post "Officially Missing You" because that is exactly how I'm feeling right now.  I am actually missing the texture of my permed hair. 

Believe it or not, it's been almost 1 year since my last perm.  I can't put my finger on the exact day of my last perm, but it occurred to me the other day that it's been almost a year.  My Boo asked me how long it's been, and as I thought about it, I realized that my last perm was around April or May of 09.  He has been very supportive of my transition, so my missing the perm has nothing to do with that.  I miss it because for the life of me, I cannot get used to the natural texture or feel of my hair.  Not only that, but I am honestly tired of having to do my hair every week. 

I still read my favorite blogs, Curly Nikki, Newbie Natural Diva, etc., and I love reading all the posts about natural hair, and they really do encourage me. I still watch my Youtube videos for ideas.  But I am still missing the perm right now.  I am not comparing my hair to others, I know that what was given to me is mine and I can't do anything about it.  I'm good with my 4b hair.  What is bothering me now is the fact that I can't find a product that will soften my hair, help keep it moisturized or a style that will last longer than a few days. 

Don't get me wrong, there are a few pros to not having a perm.  Right now they are: no more itchy scalp.  I do not miss the days when I would scratch my scalp so badly that it would bleed.  No more burning every 6 weeks or less to straighten my hair.  I really don't miss running to the shampoo bowl to wash the perm out.  And I'm saving money by doing my hair on my own.  I only see my stylist when I want to, in order to get it trimmed of the permed edges.  But right now, those pros don't out weigh what I'm feeling. 

My hair is about 95% natural now.  I have some permed edges still, mainly in the front.  During this transition, I've basically worn my hair set on perm rods.  It's been working, but the more my natural hair grows out, the harder it is for me to stretch those sets.  I read how all the other 4b naturals refer to their hair as "curly", and I'm thinking "hmmm, I can't exactly call my hair curly, cuz it aint".  My hair doesn't curl unless I manipulate it to curl.  Maybe I'm taking it literally, but really my hair is not curly.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.  My hair right now is dry, very dry, and feels really hard.  It actually feels like hair feels when it's over processed.  That is very confusing to me because I no longer use chemicals on my hair.  I use a deep conditioner every week, and a leave in conditioner to keep it moisterized.  I've tried several products that I've read about, and the results have not been that good.  Some have helped to a certain extent, but not how I need them to help.  If I could carry a bottle of water with me and spray my hair hourly, I would. Maybe I'm experiencing what I've read about called "scab hair".  I don't know, I have to do more research on that.  But what I can say is that I do not like how my hair feels.

On occassion, if I don't have to leave home, I'll try different styles.  I've tried the braid out.  That is a no go for me.  It just looks frizzy and dry.  I've also tried the wash and go.  No go.  It ends up being very dry, hard, and my hair strinks so badly, that it looks terrible.  So I'd always go back to old faithful, the set on perm rods. I don't have the time to do my hair every morning.  I'm still trying to figure out how some naturals do that.  Especially with 4b hair.   

Today, I was at my wits end.  I set my hair on Thursday, and today(Monday), it was a horrible dry mess.  I needed to find someone who could braid my hair before I picked up the phone to call my stylist for an appointment to get a perm, or before I asked my Boo to cut it all off.  The last time I got frustrated and asked him, thankfully, he said no because I was making an emotional decision.  Thanks Boo!  Because if I had allowed him to cut it all off, I would have been crazy a few hours later.  If I make that decision, I want to do it with a sane mind, not out of emotion. 

So, because I'm not a quitter, I did the next best thing.  I called the African Braiding Galleries to see who could take me as a walkin.  Luckily I found one who could.  I decided to braid it for a while, just to give me a break from having to style it weekly, and having to touch it and be disappointed on what I feel.  My concern now is will the braids and the fact that I can't condition it for moisture make it worse?  I surely hope not. 

With that said, I'm still on my natural journey.  I hope it gets better for me.  Because right now, I am truly missing the perm. Any 4b naturals out there that can help, I'm listening!!

Sweet T

HOW FORGIVENESS FEELS.....

In my previous post, I spoke on forgiveness and the torment I felt with the emminent visit from my father.  Well, I will attempt to explain how things went down and how I think forgiveness feels.

Upon seeing my father that first day of his arrival, I felt almost numb.  I wasn't excited, I wasn't angry, I wasn't happy, I just felt numb.  I did feel a little nervousness, but overall, nothing else.  On the drive to my house, you would think that we would be talking to catch up being that we haven't seen each other in over 5 years, but we weren't.  We chatted a little, but not much.  As I expected, it was a little aquard for the both of us.  When we arrived at my son's school to pick him up, he was surprised and excited to see his Grandfather.  It warmed my heart to see that.

That night at home, my son and my father, talked and laughed and talked and talked and talked.  If I haven't mentioned this before, my son is a TALKER, so having his Grandfather there to listen and respond to the things he had on his mind was heaven for him.  The next day was Thanksgiving, we had dinner with my family at my Aunt's house and my family was very happy to see my father as they had not seen him in over 20 or so years.  We actually had a good time.  The following Friday, Black Friday, we planned to drive to NYC to visit my father's sister who is in a nursing home after suffering a couple of strokes.  The beginning of the day went as planned, we had breakfast, dressed and loaded the car for a 4 hour drive to NYC.  I was feeling a little better about being with him, conversation flowed between us a little better, and having my son around made it a little bit easier.  As we pull off, we decided to stop for lunch, well on the way to get lunch, we got in a car accident. It felt like a dream to me.  I immediately began to cry.  All the stress of his visit, and other things that were going on at the time, just hit me as I hit the car ahead of me.  Luckily, no one was hurt.  Only my car.  My father and my son comforted me, as I cried for hours.  I didn't cry for the accident only, I cried for several reasons.  I felt a release almost.  My BF came over, and I cried more.  He was there to comfort me and take me to handle my business with the rental and other things.  As we all sat at my home, we began to talk.  My father began to open up about things in his past that I never knew.  He began from his childhood, his teenage years, his college years and into adulthood.  My father lost his father at a very young age, he was murdered.  He lost his mom at the age of 11, she too was murdered.  He and his sister were raised by their maternal grandmother and grandfather.  I cried and I cried hearing his story.  I cried for him being a young boy with no direction, and a young boy seeing his mom on a stretcher with the white sheet being pulled over her head.  He explained to me that for years, although he didn't realize it, he was literally trying to commit suicide without actually committing suicide.  He didn't want to live.  He didn't know what to do with the pain that he was feeling.  The murders of his mom and dad were not the only pains that he suffered, there were many, but those seemed to be the beginning of them.  As he shared his story, he also told me some things that I needed to hear him say.  He explained that he didn't understand my anger for a long time, but being that he is now in a place where he can think and feel, not only pain, but other emotions, he realizes that I too was in pain.  He apologized to me.  He told me that he loved me, and has loved me since the day I was born.  He asked for my forgiveness. I know some may think, "yeah, but he wasn't there", I too feel that, but this post is about forgiveness and I'm trying my best to explain how forgiveness feels. For him to open up the way that he did, in front of my Boo, a man he's only met once, said a lot to me.  For one, it said to me that my father is not ashamed any longer of the man he was.  It showed me that he is striving to be a better man.  He showed me that he no longer wants to pretend that things are all good with him and his daughter.

During that conversation, the more I cried the lighter I felt.  He cried too.  His big brown eyes that look just like mine, shed tears that I'm sure he waited years to shed.  The same tears that I shed that day, from the same big brown eyes that we share.  We made it to NYC, without incident.  The trip was good for him.  He was able to see his sister, and she was so surprised and happy to see her brother.  The next few days went by very quickly.  He was scheduled to leave that following Tuesday, and my son cried at the thought of his granddad leaving.  I must admit, I too was a little sad.  When departure day arrived, I allowed my son to stay home from school, so that he could spend the last day with him.  When we arrived at the bus station, I never thought I would feel what I felt.  I actually felt that I didn't want him to leave.  As he boarded the bus, he cried, my son cried and yes, I cried too.  It was a feeling that I NEVER thought I'd feel in regards to my father.

  What I've learned is that, this "meeting" between father and daughter was supposed to happen.  I learned that my father encountered some things before his trip here that almost made him not come.  I look at it like, it was time for me to let go of the pain as well as time for him to let go of the guilt he was feeling.  I now believe that this was a God ordained meeting.  The enemy tried to stop it, but he did not win. 

So, how does forgiveness feel?  It feels like all the things people say about it.  It feels like a weight lifted off of your shoulders.  It feels like you can finally breathe clearly, with clean air going through your lungs.  It feels like the best is yet to come.

If I have any tid bit for today, I would say, give forgiveness a try. 

Peace.

Sweet T

FORGIVENESS

What does it mean to forgive?  The dictionary says: FORGIVE- REGARD WITHOUT ILL WILL DESPITE AN OFFENSE.  Thats a very simple definition, but how do you actually do that?  Roget's Thesaurus uses these words: PARDON, EXCUSE, EXONERATION, RECONCILIATION, UNRESENTED, ABSOLUTION, THINK NO MORE OF.  Wow!  We've all heard the saying, "forgive, but never forget" right?  Well according to these definitions, that is so not true. It's funny that this thought is on my mind during the beginning of this holiday season.
Last month, I recieved a call from my father who stated that he wanted to come visit for Thanksgiving.  He said he wanted to spend time with his grandson, and drive to visit his sister during his time here.  Of course, I couldn't say no, but deep in my heart I was a little disturbed.  Why, you ask?  Well, for starters, my father and I don't have a very close relationship.  From what I'm told he left when I was about 3.  I've always known him, because during some summers I went to visit him.  Until the age of around 13 or so, I told my mom I no longer wanted to go. From that time on, we corresponded by mail or occasional phone calls, and at times I would meet him and other family members in North Carolina for a few days.  With that said, I definitely know who he is.  However, he was still absent for the most part.
He and I have talked about my issues, and I told him how I felt.  He told me some things about his life and why he made the choice to leave.  He also asked me for forgiveness.  Yep, there goes that word again.  During that conversation, I thought that I was free, and able to forgive.  I felt so free, when I got off my chest the things that I've been holding in for years.  I also thought that I had forgiven him.  We kept in touch more now, through phone calls, and there was actually a two way conversation.  Big step.  So, of course I thought I had done the ultimate, I was able to forgive.
Well, the time came for him to make his appearance, and I can't lie, I was full of anxiety. So much so, that every time I thought about it, I would cry.  What was that about?  I don't think I feel anger, I'm no longer angry at him, but I do feel a void.  I feel like I don't know him.  There is still an uncomfortable feeling when I'm around him.  I feel like a little girl again.  And being alive for 36 years, this is the very first time that I've ever spent a holiday with my father. 
Is this a test for me to see if I've really forgiven him?  Is this an opportunity for me to get to know who he is as a person?  Whatever it is, it's making me put my forgiveness in action so to speak.  If I really have forgiven, I need to prove it.  I have to put what the dictionary and the thesaurus says into action.  I don't want to have a hard heart, and I don't want to go through life wondering "what if". 
So with that said, I guess over this holiday I will be practicing the act of forgiveness.  Wish me luck ya'll.  I need all the help I can get.  If I make it though this challenge, that will be one more thing that I can be thankful for.

Still going......

I'm still in transition from relaxer to natural, I haven't given up on it just yet.  But wow!  I did not know it would be so much work!  I am what I consider to be very low maintenance.  With a relaxer I didn't have to wash my hair once a week, and when I did wash it that frequently, it was because my scalp would flake so badly that I didn't have a choice.  I could work out, wrap my hair, and be ready to go in the morning.  Maybe a little bend here and there with the flat iron or curling iron, but I'd be on my way.  Since taking my braids out and deciding to go natural, I've washed my hair once every week, and believe me, that's really stretching my hair style.  I could very well wash twice a week, but I just don't have the time nor skill to do that.  Because I'm dealing with two different textures of hair, the curls at my natural roots sweat out much faster than the relaxed ends.  However, because I still have more relaxer than natural roots, I can still get away with covering the roots with the curls on the end. 

I'm still reading the blogs, and websites dedicated to natural hair, and I've brought my first products.  I purchased Herbal Essences totally twisted conditioner and Cantu Shea Butter strengthening treatment.  I can't give a review of the totally twisted because honestly, I don't think it helps my hair to curl as I thought it would.  However, it smells awesome!  I will continue to use it until it's gone.  The Cantu Shea Butter makes my hair feel really soft, and makes it manageable.  From what I can tell now, it will be a keeper for me.  And this product also smells wonderful. 

I've been enlisting the help of one of my best friends every week, and luckily she's been a willing participant in making me look presentable to the world during this transition.  We've been setting my hair with the perm/jherri curl rods, and it actually come out really cute.  The ironic thing is that I'm finally getting a chance to use the jherri curl rods that I begged my mom for.  LOL!!  Yeah, I cracked myself up with that thought!

I'm still hanging in there.  Still trying to get used to my natural texture and fall in love with what God gave me.  I haven't given up yet.  So to all my newly natural sistas who are out there with me, keep hope alive.  We can do this!

Sweet T

Hair Story-All Natural

I've begun a transition in my life that I must say is one of the hardest things I've ever tried. I'm taking my hair to a new level, a level that I hope will revive it, a level that I hope will revive me and give me more confidence, a level that I haven't been to in I don't know how long. I've decided to go ALL NATURAL! Now, those who know me should know that this is a journey that is horrifying for me. Those who don't know me and are reading this are probably like, "So what?" LOL!! Well, let me start from the beginning:

From the time that I can remember, I've always had thick hair. I remember my mom or my grandma braiding it, or putting pony tails all over my head. My favorite hairstyle was when my mom braided it and put beads on the ends. Man I loved that style! I remember for Easter, I'd go to the hairdresser and get a nice hard pressing with some Shirley Temple curls all over my head. When I got a little older, my mom would send me to the hairdresser where I would get my hair pressed straight. I would get one of those old fashioned pressings where you would come out of the salon with shiny straight hair, with the cutest ponytails on the side, and bangs. If I didn't go to the hairdresser, I remember being in my mom's kitchen as she attempted to straighten out my kitchen with the hot comb. My neck would get burned and Lord help my ears. LOL!! But even through all that, my hair was healthy and thick. I think I've always been kind of obsessed with my hair. I remember begging my mom to let me get a Jherri Curl. I thank God and her now that she wouldn't let me get one. She always told me that I was too young, I could get one when I was 16. Well, 16 came and went and so did the Jherri Curl fad. I'm so glad I don't have any pics that can come back to haunt me. LOL!!

I don't know when I got my first relaxer, probably as a teenager. But even then my hair was healthy. I put braids in my hair occasionally, and then get relaxers, then braids again, then back to relaxers. I've worn my hair short, had color, grew it out, cut it again, relaxed it again, and I guess through all of that, my hair just slowly became unhealthy.

As you all know, hair is a woman's crown and glory. We love our hair, it is a part of who we are. We love to change styles and color. We adorn it with bows, clips, headbands, and sometimes we add more hair. Just look at all the hair care products on the market for women. These companies are making a killing! When our hair isn't right, we will hide out in the house until we get it right.

My decision to go natural is tough because, for one, I've had to deal with the negative images of black hair all of my life. I bought in to the nappy hair good hair thing. I am one of those nappy hair girls, my hair would never be classified as "good". Another thing is that my hair is very damaged. It's easy to relax it, or get a nice hair cut and keep it moving. But I'm realizing now that I need to maintain and take care of my hair, not just cover up the damage. That just creates more damage. Lastly, I have very thin hair at the top of my head. I don't know if the damage was caused by all the relaxers or if it was caused by a particular medicine that I was on. I'm not on that medicine any longer, haven't been for a long time, so you would think that the hair would have grown back by now. But it hasn't.

Every day for the past 2 weeks I've been searching the Internet, trying to find ways to make my transition from the relaxer to natural as easy as possible. I was amazed at all the women who blog about their journey to natural, how freeing they all say it is, and how they have begun a love affair with their hair. I love seeing the different styles they create and reading the product reviews. They've given me the courage I need to keep going with this. The one thing they haven't given me the courage to do was the Big Chop or BC as it is affectionately called. I could never cut all the relaxer out. Needless to say, this process has also made me aware that I'm a little more vain than I ever thought I was. :0

I want to thank the women out there in cyber world who are encouraging me to keep going. You don't know how much your posts help a sista like me. Thank you to: Natural Diva, The Coarse Hair Diary, Curly Nikki, and all the others who pour out knowledge in this journey to be natural.

So today, I guess I don't really have a tidbit, or maybe I do......as I find my way to a love affair with my hair, I hope you all out there can find your way too. Be encouraged.

Sweet T