HOW FORGIVENESS FEELS.....

In my previous post, I spoke on forgiveness and the torment I felt with the emminent visit from my father.  Well, I will attempt to explain how things went down and how I think forgiveness feels.

Upon seeing my father that first day of his arrival, I felt almost numb.  I wasn't excited, I wasn't angry, I wasn't happy, I just felt numb.  I did feel a little nervousness, but overall, nothing else.  On the drive to my house, you would think that we would be talking to catch up being that we haven't seen each other in over 5 years, but we weren't.  We chatted a little, but not much.  As I expected, it was a little aquard for the both of us.  When we arrived at my son's school to pick him up, he was surprised and excited to see his Grandfather.  It warmed my heart to see that.

That night at home, my son and my father, talked and laughed and talked and talked and talked.  If I haven't mentioned this before, my son is a TALKER, so having his Grandfather there to listen and respond to the things he had on his mind was heaven for him.  The next day was Thanksgiving, we had dinner with my family at my Aunt's house and my family was very happy to see my father as they had not seen him in over 20 or so years.  We actually had a good time.  The following Friday, Black Friday, we planned to drive to NYC to visit my father's sister who is in a nursing home after suffering a couple of strokes.  The beginning of the day went as planned, we had breakfast, dressed and loaded the car for a 4 hour drive to NYC.  I was feeling a little better about being with him, conversation flowed between us a little better, and having my son around made it a little bit easier.  As we pull off, we decided to stop for lunch, well on the way to get lunch, we got in a car accident. It felt like a dream to me.  I immediately began to cry.  All the stress of his visit, and other things that were going on at the time, just hit me as I hit the car ahead of me.  Luckily, no one was hurt.  Only my car.  My father and my son comforted me, as I cried for hours.  I didn't cry for the accident only, I cried for several reasons.  I felt a release almost.  My BF came over, and I cried more.  He was there to comfort me and take me to handle my business with the rental and other things.  As we all sat at my home, we began to talk.  My father began to open up about things in his past that I never knew.  He began from his childhood, his teenage years, his college years and into adulthood.  My father lost his father at a very young age, he was murdered.  He lost his mom at the age of 11, she too was murdered.  He and his sister were raised by their maternal grandmother and grandfather.  I cried and I cried hearing his story.  I cried for him being a young boy with no direction, and a young boy seeing his mom on a stretcher with the white sheet being pulled over her head.  He explained to me that for years, although he didn't realize it, he was literally trying to commit suicide without actually committing suicide.  He didn't want to live.  He didn't know what to do with the pain that he was feeling.  The murders of his mom and dad were not the only pains that he suffered, there were many, but those seemed to be the beginning of them.  As he shared his story, he also told me some things that I needed to hear him say.  He explained that he didn't understand my anger for a long time, but being that he is now in a place where he can think and feel, not only pain, but other emotions, he realizes that I too was in pain.  He apologized to me.  He told me that he loved me, and has loved me since the day I was born.  He asked for my forgiveness. I know some may think, "yeah, but he wasn't there", I too feel that, but this post is about forgiveness and I'm trying my best to explain how forgiveness feels. For him to open up the way that he did, in front of my Boo, a man he's only met once, said a lot to me.  For one, it said to me that my father is not ashamed any longer of the man he was.  It showed me that he is striving to be a better man.  He showed me that he no longer wants to pretend that things are all good with him and his daughter.

During that conversation, the more I cried the lighter I felt.  He cried too.  His big brown eyes that look just like mine, shed tears that I'm sure he waited years to shed.  The same tears that I shed that day, from the same big brown eyes that we share.  We made it to NYC, without incident.  The trip was good for him.  He was able to see his sister, and she was so surprised and happy to see her brother.  The next few days went by very quickly.  He was scheduled to leave that following Tuesday, and my son cried at the thought of his granddad leaving.  I must admit, I too was a little sad.  When departure day arrived, I allowed my son to stay home from school, so that he could spend the last day with him.  When we arrived at the bus station, I never thought I would feel what I felt.  I actually felt that I didn't want him to leave.  As he boarded the bus, he cried, my son cried and yes, I cried too.  It was a feeling that I NEVER thought I'd feel in regards to my father.

  What I've learned is that, this "meeting" between father and daughter was supposed to happen.  I learned that my father encountered some things before his trip here that almost made him not come.  I look at it like, it was time for me to let go of the pain as well as time for him to let go of the guilt he was feeling.  I now believe that this was a God ordained meeting.  The enemy tried to stop it, but he did not win. 

So, how does forgiveness feel?  It feels like all the things people say about it.  It feels like a weight lifted off of your shoulders.  It feels like you can finally breathe clearly, with clean air going through your lungs.  It feels like the best is yet to come.

If I have any tid bit for today, I would say, give forgiveness a try. 

Peace.

Sweet T

FORGIVENESS

What does it mean to forgive?  The dictionary says: FORGIVE- REGARD WITHOUT ILL WILL DESPITE AN OFFENSE.  Thats a very simple definition, but how do you actually do that?  Roget's Thesaurus uses these words: PARDON, EXCUSE, EXONERATION, RECONCILIATION, UNRESENTED, ABSOLUTION, THINK NO MORE OF.  Wow!  We've all heard the saying, "forgive, but never forget" right?  Well according to these definitions, that is so not true. It's funny that this thought is on my mind during the beginning of this holiday season.
Last month, I recieved a call from my father who stated that he wanted to come visit for Thanksgiving.  He said he wanted to spend time with his grandson, and drive to visit his sister during his time here.  Of course, I couldn't say no, but deep in my heart I was a little disturbed.  Why, you ask?  Well, for starters, my father and I don't have a very close relationship.  From what I'm told he left when I was about 3.  I've always known him, because during some summers I went to visit him.  Until the age of around 13 or so, I told my mom I no longer wanted to go. From that time on, we corresponded by mail or occasional phone calls, and at times I would meet him and other family members in North Carolina for a few days.  With that said, I definitely know who he is.  However, he was still absent for the most part.
He and I have talked about my issues, and I told him how I felt.  He told me some things about his life and why he made the choice to leave.  He also asked me for forgiveness.  Yep, there goes that word again.  During that conversation, I thought that I was free, and able to forgive.  I felt so free, when I got off my chest the things that I've been holding in for years.  I also thought that I had forgiven him.  We kept in touch more now, through phone calls, and there was actually a two way conversation.  Big step.  So, of course I thought I had done the ultimate, I was able to forgive.
Well, the time came for him to make his appearance, and I can't lie, I was full of anxiety. So much so, that every time I thought about it, I would cry.  What was that about?  I don't think I feel anger, I'm no longer angry at him, but I do feel a void.  I feel like I don't know him.  There is still an uncomfortable feeling when I'm around him.  I feel like a little girl again.  And being alive for 36 years, this is the very first time that I've ever spent a holiday with my father. 
Is this a test for me to see if I've really forgiven him?  Is this an opportunity for me to get to know who he is as a person?  Whatever it is, it's making me put my forgiveness in action so to speak.  If I really have forgiven, I need to prove it.  I have to put what the dictionary and the thesaurus says into action.  I don't want to have a hard heart, and I don't want to go through life wondering "what if". 
So with that said, I guess over this holiday I will be practicing the act of forgiveness.  Wish me luck ya'll.  I need all the help I can get.  If I make it though this challenge, that will be one more thing that I can be thankful for.

Still going......

I'm still in transition from relaxer to natural, I haven't given up on it just yet.  But wow!  I did not know it would be so much work!  I am what I consider to be very low maintenance.  With a relaxer I didn't have to wash my hair once a week, and when I did wash it that frequently, it was because my scalp would flake so badly that I didn't have a choice.  I could work out, wrap my hair, and be ready to go in the morning.  Maybe a little bend here and there with the flat iron or curling iron, but I'd be on my way.  Since taking my braids out and deciding to go natural, I've washed my hair once every week, and believe me, that's really stretching my hair style.  I could very well wash twice a week, but I just don't have the time nor skill to do that.  Because I'm dealing with two different textures of hair, the curls at my natural roots sweat out much faster than the relaxed ends.  However, because I still have more relaxer than natural roots, I can still get away with covering the roots with the curls on the end. 

I'm still reading the blogs, and websites dedicated to natural hair, and I've brought my first products.  I purchased Herbal Essences totally twisted conditioner and Cantu Shea Butter strengthening treatment.  I can't give a review of the totally twisted because honestly, I don't think it helps my hair to curl as I thought it would.  However, it smells awesome!  I will continue to use it until it's gone.  The Cantu Shea Butter makes my hair feel really soft, and makes it manageable.  From what I can tell now, it will be a keeper for me.  And this product also smells wonderful. 

I've been enlisting the help of one of my best friends every week, and luckily she's been a willing participant in making me look presentable to the world during this transition.  We've been setting my hair with the perm/jherri curl rods, and it actually come out really cute.  The ironic thing is that I'm finally getting a chance to use the jherri curl rods that I begged my mom for.  LOL!!  Yeah, I cracked myself up with that thought!

I'm still hanging in there.  Still trying to get used to my natural texture and fall in love with what God gave me.  I haven't given up yet.  So to all my newly natural sistas who are out there with me, keep hope alive.  We can do this!

Sweet T

Hair Story-All Natural

I've begun a transition in my life that I must say is one of the hardest things I've ever tried. I'm taking my hair to a new level, a level that I hope will revive it, a level that I hope will revive me and give me more confidence, a level that I haven't been to in I don't know how long. I've decided to go ALL NATURAL! Now, those who know me should know that this is a journey that is horrifying for me. Those who don't know me and are reading this are probably like, "So what?" LOL!! Well, let me start from the beginning:

From the time that I can remember, I've always had thick hair. I remember my mom or my grandma braiding it, or putting pony tails all over my head. My favorite hairstyle was when my mom braided it and put beads on the ends. Man I loved that style! I remember for Easter, I'd go to the hairdresser and get a nice hard pressing with some Shirley Temple curls all over my head. When I got a little older, my mom would send me to the hairdresser where I would get my hair pressed straight. I would get one of those old fashioned pressings where you would come out of the salon with shiny straight hair, with the cutest ponytails on the side, and bangs. If I didn't go to the hairdresser, I remember being in my mom's kitchen as she attempted to straighten out my kitchen with the hot comb. My neck would get burned and Lord help my ears. LOL!! But even through all that, my hair was healthy and thick. I think I've always been kind of obsessed with my hair. I remember begging my mom to let me get a Jherri Curl. I thank God and her now that she wouldn't let me get one. She always told me that I was too young, I could get one when I was 16. Well, 16 came and went and so did the Jherri Curl fad. I'm so glad I don't have any pics that can come back to haunt me. LOL!!

I don't know when I got my first relaxer, probably as a teenager. But even then my hair was healthy. I put braids in my hair occasionally, and then get relaxers, then braids again, then back to relaxers. I've worn my hair short, had color, grew it out, cut it again, relaxed it again, and I guess through all of that, my hair just slowly became unhealthy.

As you all know, hair is a woman's crown and glory. We love our hair, it is a part of who we are. We love to change styles and color. We adorn it with bows, clips, headbands, and sometimes we add more hair. Just look at all the hair care products on the market for women. These companies are making a killing! When our hair isn't right, we will hide out in the house until we get it right.

My decision to go natural is tough because, for one, I've had to deal with the negative images of black hair all of my life. I bought in to the nappy hair good hair thing. I am one of those nappy hair girls, my hair would never be classified as "good". Another thing is that my hair is very damaged. It's easy to relax it, or get a nice hair cut and keep it moving. But I'm realizing now that I need to maintain and take care of my hair, not just cover up the damage. That just creates more damage. Lastly, I have very thin hair at the top of my head. I don't know if the damage was caused by all the relaxers or if it was caused by a particular medicine that I was on. I'm not on that medicine any longer, haven't been for a long time, so you would think that the hair would have grown back by now. But it hasn't.

Every day for the past 2 weeks I've been searching the Internet, trying to find ways to make my transition from the relaxer to natural as easy as possible. I was amazed at all the women who blog about their journey to natural, how freeing they all say it is, and how they have begun a love affair with their hair. I love seeing the different styles they create and reading the product reviews. They've given me the courage I need to keep going with this. The one thing they haven't given me the courage to do was the Big Chop or BC as it is affectionately called. I could never cut all the relaxer out. Needless to say, this process has also made me aware that I'm a little more vain than I ever thought I was. :0

I want to thank the women out there in cyber world who are encouraging me to keep going. You don't know how much your posts help a sista like me. Thank you to: Natural Diva, The Coarse Hair Diary, Curly Nikki, and all the others who pour out knowledge in this journey to be natural.

So today, I guess I don't really have a tidbit, or maybe I do......as I find my way to a love affair with my hair, I hope you all out there can find your way too. Be encouraged.

Sweet T

MEN, CAN WE LIVE WITHOUT THEM?

Hmmm, interesting question. And if you ask a room full of black women you will most likely get a room full of "Hell Yeah's!" This question is a very tough one for me. The reason why is because I was raised by a black woman who did her thing alone. I was surrounded by black women who made it happen for their kids regardless of the absence of men in their lives. My grandmother, God rest her soul, was the proud mother of 11 children. She did not complete her education, but she worked and took care of her children without the assistance of welfare and unfortunately without the assistance of a man. See, my grandfather left her. To this day, no one really knows why, there is plenty of speculation, but no concrete answers. I've seen those children grow up to be productive adults, not without bumps in the road, but pretty much productive. So on one hand, I feel that yes, a woman can do it without a man.


But then I look at myself. I am the product of a single mother, and as I said, my mom put it down for us. We didn't have a need or want that was not met. But emotionally, I was missing something. I didn't realize until later in life that what I missed was my father. Yeah, I knew who he was, I knew where he lived, and he wrote and called occasionally. I even spent time with him during some summers. So, he wasn't totally absent, but I needed him more than what I got.


I've also had conversations with my friend who did not have his father, and he too feels that he missed a lot not having his father there. I also look at our black boys today. They seem so lost. They don't seem to know what it takes to be a man.

So to answer the question, can we live without men? I don't think we can. Yes, women have come a long way. We run our own businesses, we buy our own homes, we even make more or just as much money as men in the workplace now, but does that mean we can live without men? We've raised our children without men for years, the majority turn out great, but some fall by the wayside. We should not have to raise our kids alone, but we've been left to do so, and we do it. I once heard that there are more fatherless families now than there were during slavery. That to me is outrageous! The fact that fathers were a part of the black family during a time when we were separated based on need, money, trade or whatever, than what they are now is disgusting to me. Think about that. I'm not saying that people who are not happy together should stay together for the sake of the children, because that is another issue, but what I am saying is that we should be able to be adults and if we do break up, don't break up with our children.

Black women today have this thing where we feel we are strong, and honestly we are. I think we have to endure more than any other woman on the planet. We are often heard saying, "I'm a strong black woman", and there is nothing wrong with being proud and strong. But what does that really mean? Do we need to be in a relationship to be happy, no. Do we need a man to survive, no. I think we are strong black women, but I also think that statement can be taken way out of context.

My tidbit for today is: When you are asked whether or not we can live without men really think about that question. I don't think we can live without them just as they can't live without us.

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY RADIO!!

That's what LL said back in the 80's, but I beg to differ today. I can definitely live without the radio today. Remember the days when Hip Hop was making its way into the mainstream, and there were battles against the rappers that stayed on wax and not brought to real life? Remember how LL killed Cool Moe Dee on Mama Said Knock You Out? That was REAL Hip Hop. Remember how Public Enemy always brought us the truth in their lyrics, even with crazy looking Flava Flav up front with that stupid looking clock, asking us if we know what time it is? Remember Salt & Peppa bringing us knowledge on Lets Talk About Sex? Man! Those were the days!

I was definitely what I would call a Hip Hop head back in the day. I loved watching BET, to get my fix of East Coast rappers, and styles of that time. I loved hearing how the rappers flowed. They rapped about things like Adidas, Love, killing other MC's with lyrics, around the way girls, and dancing. Their flow was so tight, that you would recite the lyrics along with the song and at the same time gain some knowledge and black pride. Not only that, you had fun! They smiled in the videos, they danced and most of all the creativity was THE BEST. I wish I would turn my T.V. to BET now!

Now, the so called "rappers" all look alike, sound alike, and it seems that the only thing they can rap about is sex, drugs and killing. Wow! Now, that's what I call creative. NOT! I get in plenty of disagreements with my family about Lil Wayne. They say, he's got swagga, he can flow. I'm like O really? I guess telling a story about how much money you made selling drugs and the millions of woman you've slept with in a different way means you can flow? I beg to differ. Then we have the clones of Lil Wayne. Who are all these dudes that want to wear the dreads, look dirty, pants hanging so low I can see your butt, and rap about the same things that the other dude rapped about yesterday? Why do they all have to have that Autotune mess on their songs now? And by the way, it's not new, Roger Trout did that a long time ago. I can't thank Jay Z enough for D.O.A. (Death of Autotune):"na na na na, hey hey hey goodbye. I know we facin a recession But the music yall makin gonna make it the great depression" No truer words have ever been spoken. Every thing is so gimmicky now, it's ridiculous.

I miss the days of Salt & Peppa "My Mike Sounds Nice", and LL crooning to us as he says "I need Love". Don't get me wrong, I think there are still some rappers that can flow like no other. We still have Jay Z (the greatest), Kanye (the best), Common (so smooth with it), Mos Def (no words), T.I. (what can I say) and Nas (yo, where you at?). Yes, they all speak on some things that I would prefer not to listen to, but you can't deny the flow they all bring. That's what I call SWAGGA!

My son's IPOD is full of songs from back in the day. I am proud to say that I've introduced him to some music that kids his age probably have no clue about. He loves "old school" rap, and I love hearing him recite the lyrics from back in the day. Yeah, he also likes the crap they play on the radio today, but believe me, I sensor it as much as I can. In my car, it gets no play.

Bring back the days when music was good. When music was fun. When rappers were just as arrogant as they are today, but had the lyrics to back it up. I miss BIG. I miss Pac before he started trippin. I miss EPMD, Special Ed, MC Lyte and Queen Latifah. I could go on and on, but I won't. I won't even touch on R&B today, that's a whole other post.

If you all have something from back in the day that you miss, Holla at your girl. I'm feeling like Mary J right now, I want to Reminisce on the love we had.

Did you want me?

Wow! I can't believe I've been missing from the blog scene for 3 months. Not that I haven't been compelled to write, I've just been busy or shall I say too lazy to pull out the laptop when I get home and type. I do have a lot on my mind and hopefully, my addiction to blogging will begin again after this post.

As you all may have guessed, my son asked me this question a couple of weeks ago. I'm telling you, he comes up with some of the deepest questions for a child his age. (But I guess all moms feel that way) But seriously, he threw me with this one, it came out of the blue. First he asked, "Are you a single mom?" "yes" "Is it hard being a single mom?" "yes" "Well, did you want me?" "yes" What other way do you answer a question like that coming from your child? Don't get me wrong, that was the total honest truth, I did want my son, but do you really expect your child to ask you that?

When I got pregnant, abortion didn't even cross my mind. This was my first pregnancy, I was scared as all get out, I cried when the nurse told me the test results were positive, but I couldn't end my first. My situation was NOT what I wanted it to be before I had a child. I wasn't married, this wasn't his first child, he and I were not on the best of terms, I lived at home with my mom, and I had some bills that I would have liked to be gone, but I could not end this pregnancy. With that being said, after the initial shock, I began to cherish every day of my pregnancy. I was sick for at least the first 5 months, but I knew that a little person was forming inside of me. I read books, searched the Internet, and asked questions to other moms trying to find out as much as I could about this process. I also did as much as I could to prepare. I began to pay off debts, and began to think about things like life insurance, driving slower and moving up in the working world to gain more to take care of this little one. I read to him, because I heard that he knew my voice and could hear me, I put ear phones to my stomach and played Bible verses to him, and music and stories. I never prayed so much in my life for anything, let alone someone I'd never met before. I loved every kick and every movement I felt within me.

To me, labor and delivery was easy. My biggest fear was and still is raising him to be a productive black man. I am doing all I can to ensure that he knows the struggle our ancestors went through to bring us this far, and with the help of family and friends, we have a lot of support, in good times and bad. I think he is a happy little boy, who feels loved and cared for. His dad is involved so although we are not together, I think my son is doing just fine. He also has other men in his life, real men who love him and also show him the right way. We have a small village surrounding us, keeping us safe and supported.

So, Son even though you were not born into the best of circumstances, and you are being raised by a single parent, you are and was from the very beginning a very wanted child. Don't let circumstances hold you back, the greatest man that ever lived was born in not the best of circumstances. Jesus Christ. A boy born to a young white mother and an African father who left him, has now become the first African American President of the United States. You can overcome your circumstances, and you are wanted and needed by me, your family and this world.