FORGIVENESS

What does it mean to forgive?  The dictionary says: FORGIVE- REGARD WITHOUT ILL WILL DESPITE AN OFFENSE.  Thats a very simple definition, but how do you actually do that?  Roget's Thesaurus uses these words: PARDON, EXCUSE, EXONERATION, RECONCILIATION, UNRESENTED, ABSOLUTION, THINK NO MORE OF.  Wow!  We've all heard the saying, "forgive, but never forget" right?  Well according to these definitions, that is so not true. It's funny that this thought is on my mind during the beginning of this holiday season.
Last month, I recieved a call from my father who stated that he wanted to come visit for Thanksgiving.  He said he wanted to spend time with his grandson, and drive to visit his sister during his time here.  Of course, I couldn't say no, but deep in my heart I was a little disturbed.  Why, you ask?  Well, for starters, my father and I don't have a very close relationship.  From what I'm told he left when I was about 3.  I've always known him, because during some summers I went to visit him.  Until the age of around 13 or so, I told my mom I no longer wanted to go. From that time on, we corresponded by mail or occasional phone calls, and at times I would meet him and other family members in North Carolina for a few days.  With that said, I definitely know who he is.  However, he was still absent for the most part.
He and I have talked about my issues, and I told him how I felt.  He told me some things about his life and why he made the choice to leave.  He also asked me for forgiveness.  Yep, there goes that word again.  During that conversation, I thought that I was free, and able to forgive.  I felt so free, when I got off my chest the things that I've been holding in for years.  I also thought that I had forgiven him.  We kept in touch more now, through phone calls, and there was actually a two way conversation.  Big step.  So, of course I thought I had done the ultimate, I was able to forgive.
Well, the time came for him to make his appearance, and I can't lie, I was full of anxiety. So much so, that every time I thought about it, I would cry.  What was that about?  I don't think I feel anger, I'm no longer angry at him, but I do feel a void.  I feel like I don't know him.  There is still an uncomfortable feeling when I'm around him.  I feel like a little girl again.  And being alive for 36 years, this is the very first time that I've ever spent a holiday with my father. 
Is this a test for me to see if I've really forgiven him?  Is this an opportunity for me to get to know who he is as a person?  Whatever it is, it's making me put my forgiveness in action so to speak.  If I really have forgiven, I need to prove it.  I have to put what the dictionary and the thesaurus says into action.  I don't want to have a hard heart, and I don't want to go through life wondering "what if". 
So with that said, I guess over this holiday I will be practicing the act of forgiveness.  Wish me luck ya'll.  I need all the help I can get.  If I make it though this challenge, that will be one more thing that I can be thankful for.