Thursday, May 6, 2010


Before I discourage anyone from reading further, let me say that this is not a post to male bash.  I LOVE black men.  Even with their issues. Let me also say that I am a firm believer in you find love where you find it.  I really have no issues with who or what race anybody decides to date. (except those who "date" underage girls) However, what I do have a problem with is black men who feel the need to justify why they date who they date by bashing black women.

I read an article last week online that gave the top 10 reasons why black men feel it's hard to date black women.  I'm sure this is one list of many top 10 list that have been written on this subject.  It certainly is not the first that I've read. If you do a Google search, I'm sure you will find tons of articles alerting us to why we just don't hit the mark for black men.  The list I read said:
  • Black women make black men feel under appreciated, unwarranted and irresponsible and regressive.
  • Black women are too aggressive and no longer patient in waiting on the pursuit of a man.
  • Black women are strong headed, too independent which presents great challenges in relationships.
  • Black women are masculine in that they are controlling and like to run the relationship.
  • Black women expect too much. They are gold diggers who will not look twice at a blue collar black man.
  • Black women are hot headed and have bad attitudes.
  • Black women stop caring about their appearance after a certain age.
  • Black women are not as sexually open as other races, especially in regards to oral sex. Black women’s tolerance is far too low; they are no longer empathetic to the black man’s struggle in white America.
  • Black women do not cater to their men.
I'm not going to comment of all of these.  You can come to your own conclusion about them.  But I will say that these reasons really got under my skin.  First off, by saying "black women" do these men realize that they are also lumping their mothers and grandmothers and aunties and sisters and cousins in this as well?  The same women who raised and supported them throughout their life.  The same women who will go to bat for them when they need them to.  I could go on and on until this post becomes a grad school thesis, but I won't.  I'll just list the reasons I received in answer to my question I posed to my friends.  The reasons why black men are hard to date are:

  • No honor.  They don't put family first
  • No humility.  They think they are owed something from you and the world
  • They lack respect for our culture, family and friends. 
  • They don't respect the struggle of the past, and don't care about the present.  They have no concept of the role they play in the future.
  • It's all about money and how much they have and what they wear.  They are pretty boys.
  • They are insecure 
  • They have no aspirations
  • Too many children with too many mothers
  • They are looking for a mother and not a lover
  • They want perfection when they too are imperfect beings
  • They have no concept of what commitment is.  As soon as a problem arises, they are looking for the "next best thing"
The thing that gets me is that even though I received these answers, the women I know still date, marry and love black men.  Is it that black women are too loyal to black men or is it that we limit ourselves in the dating pool?  Are black men just more open to dating outside of their race and black women are not?  What I do know is that black women will go to bat for black men.  We have stood up for them when we know they don't deserve it.  We protect them when they are young, and we want to stand with them as adults. They say we are impatient in waiting in the pursuit of a man.  I say, what about the woman who has waited for you for years to commit and you never do? Why is it hard for a black man to stand up and protect us instead of bashing us?

I can take this a step further and say that black men have been leaving black women for a long time.  How many of us are raised by single mothers?  How many daughters grow up without their father?  Is it really something in us or something in them? 

We can go back and forth with lists giving reasons why it's hard to date them and why they feel it's hard to date us.  I say, all of us have our issues.  No matter what color we are.  But if a black man and a black woman can't work together to build a firm foundation for our families to survive, we will continue to see our culture deteriorate. 

Wanna add to the list? Comment? Suggestions?  Holla!!

Sweet T

My Favorites

  • My Son
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  • My KD
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  • Kindred Family Soul
  • Eric Roberson
  • Fred Hammond
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  • Left Behind Series
  • Love Jones
  • Coming to America
  • The Bridges of Madison County
  • The Color Purple
  • The Kite Runner
  • The Wire
  • Boomerrang
  • The Notebook
  • Love and Basketball


"I'm calling out to You, for a strength exchange. I'll gladly take Your Joy, for my weakness"