Thursday, May 6, 2010


Before I discourage anyone from reading further, let me say that this is not a post to male bash.  I LOVE black men.  Even with their issues. Let me also say that I am a firm believer in you find love where you find it.  I really have no issues with who or what race anybody decides to date. (except those who "date" underage girls) However, what I do have a problem with is black men who feel the need to justify why they date who they date by bashing black women.

I read an article last week online that gave the top 10 reasons why black men feel it's hard to date black women.  I'm sure this is one list of many top 10 list that have been written on this subject.  It certainly is not the first that I've read. If you do a Google search, I'm sure you will find tons of articles alerting us to why we just don't hit the mark for black men.  The list I read said:
  • Black women make black men feel under appreciated, unwarranted and irresponsible and regressive.
  • Black women are too aggressive and no longer patient in waiting on the pursuit of a man.
  • Black women are strong headed, too independent which presents great challenges in relationships.
  • Black women are masculine in that they are controlling and like to run the relationship.
  • Black women expect too much. They are gold diggers who will not look twice at a blue collar black man.
  • Black women are hot headed and have bad attitudes.
  • Black women stop caring about their appearance after a certain age.
  • Black women are not as sexually open as other races, especially in regards to oral sex. Black women’s tolerance is far too low; they are no longer empathetic to the black man’s struggle in white America.
  • Black women do not cater to their men.
I'm not going to comment of all of these.  You can come to your own conclusion about them.  But I will say that these reasons really got under my skin.  First off, by saying "black women" do these men realize that they are also lumping their mothers and grandmothers and aunties and sisters and cousins in this as well?  The same women who raised and supported them throughout their life.  The same women who will go to bat for them when they need them to.  I could go on and on until this post becomes a grad school thesis, but I won't.  I'll just list the reasons I received in answer to my question I posed to my friends.  The reasons why black men are hard to date are:

  • No honor.  They don't put family first
  • No humility.  They think they are owed something from you and the world
  • They lack respect for our culture, family and friends. 
  • They don't respect the struggle of the past, and don't care about the present.  They have no concept of the role they play in the future.
  • It's all about money and how much they have and what they wear.  They are pretty boys.
  • They are insecure 
  • They have no aspirations
  • Too many children with too many mothers
  • They are looking for a mother and not a lover
  • They want perfection when they too are imperfect beings
  • They have no concept of what commitment is.  As soon as a problem arises, they are looking for the "next best thing"
The thing that gets me is that even though I received these answers, the women I know still date, marry and love black men.  Is it that black women are too loyal to black men or is it that we limit ourselves in the dating pool?  Are black men just more open to dating outside of their race and black women are not?  What I do know is that black women will go to bat for black men.  We have stood up for them when we know they don't deserve it.  We protect them when they are young, and we want to stand with them as adults. They say we are impatient in waiting in the pursuit of a man.  I say, what about the woman who has waited for you for years to commit and you never do? Why is it hard for a black man to stand up and protect us instead of bashing us?

I can take this a step further and say that black men have been leaving black women for a long time.  How many of us are raised by single mothers?  How many daughters grow up without their father?  Is it really something in us or something in them? 

We can go back and forth with lists giving reasons why it's hard to date them and why they feel it's hard to date us.  I say, all of us have our issues.  No matter what color we are.  But if a black man and a black woman can't work together to build a firm foundation for our families to survive, we will continue to see our culture deteriorate. 

Wanna add to the list? Comment? Suggestions?  Holla!!

Sweet T


Blaque Diamond said...

clapping, clapping, clapping Well written!

Single Girl said...

Wow. Thanks Shica for passing this post on. You make a lot of valid points. Black women are always being categorized into something and its rough. But I just say this beautiful black woman/women hold your head up and keep doing you. We are strong, intelligent, beautiful human beings and its about time we are praised for it instead of being bashed for it. Holla....

NewbieNaturalDiva said...

Well, I must say you have some valid points in this blog. But I must also say this could very easily apply to white men or any other nationality as well. All men are capable of being no good!

I feel black men have been put into one big category for years, but all black men are not deserving of such a bad rap. In my opinion, it really matters on how a man is raised. If he is raised to be a dog, to put family last, to be lazy, to use women, then that is what he will do when he is an adult. Parents must stand up and make their sons responsible and hold them accountable for their actions when they know they are wrong. How many times do mothers think it's cute when their sons date more than one woman and play one against the other? What about the sons who see men treat their mothers and sisters like dirt, but they also see the mother or sister kiss the ground these men walk on? This is when the bad behavior should be checked at the door.

There are good, black men out there! The key to finding one is to stop looking and let him find you! While you are doing that, take time to get to know yourself and invest in yourself. Focus on God and a better you and a beautiful, caring black man will appear when you are least expecting.

Anonymous said...

well... all I can say is my a Spanish women it makes me sad to admit that a lot of black men do in fact always seem to have the same soppy sorry sob stories about black women, my argument always was, well...what about ur mom??
it doesnt help the younger generation of young black girls coming up now that when they turn on the tv n see videos for ex. the "it" main girl is anything BUT a black woman, unless ur looking at kanye west who proudly breaks the mold,.,most look spanish or mixed.. which is why in my opinion they feel pressure.. then you got the men (black) who think they gotta follow with a certain statusof having a trophy b***c and they only want to have "pretty babies" but still in the end can be a holes...
I happen to believe a lot of black men are wrongly accused of these statements, I can say that cause I know some great black married and single dad men who handle their biz, with their black wives, and they do not fit the "mold" of that article. I cant speak on how black women feel cos , duh, Im not one, I can only speak as a woman considered a minority as well, and what I believe in the STRONGEST , is that a man, ANY race, once he has GOD, he WILL be a MAN, in every positive aspect of that description.
Just like you have spanish women trying to be like those blonde gringas from beverly hills gettin plastic surgery going blonde etc.. you got black women who arent ready to be raw with themselves, and then you got white women who just wanna please everyone so they put up with absurd abuse and disrespect, which is also why they get some of these fine ass black men... in my honest candid opinion.

african lady said...

Well, you have a great point about it but for me black men should not be generalized because it merely depends on how they behave and how they value the one they love. I guess I merely disagree on how others generalize the black men because you can never judge a certain person not unless you know him/her that much.

Anyways, I do respect your thought and I'm very thankful for sharing this stuff.

Anonymous said...

Everything and everyone is overgeneralized. I agree that they shouldn't be but it's reality. Just like the originator of the black male perspective on black women did. All in all my view is, if a certain stove burns you, you keep using it & it burns you more, you're not going to purchase the same kind of stove. Furthermore all males have the tendency to be disproportionate to their women counterparts, however blacks are more likely to be this due to society, media, their upbringing & many other factors. It's more so black males because of the level society puts them in. I wouldn't say give up I'd say love them at a distance and openly date other races.

Anonymous said...

I've always expected that I'd end up settling down with a black man as that is my preference and I love black men. However... I'm now 30, still single and childless - so lately I've been asking myself if it's worth the wait or struggle? Since the age of 17-18 I have dated black men and not a single one has stepped up for me and been the good man that I need or been willing to commit to a healthy, loving relationship. I've had a succession of emotionally unavailable, immature and stereotypical black men in terms of them being vain, liars, selfish, cheaters, wannabe thugs/gangsters, untold children scattered about who they have minimal contact with, disrespectful, ignorant, ill-educated and everything in between. Even when I've purposely vetted candidates to ensure I've selected the best possible person (i.e. has a job, no babymamas, educated, sound morals, shared values, humble, thoughtful, kind, etc), they still turn out to be a major let-down in one way or another.

I don't know if it's a cultural thing or if they genuinely do despise their black women these days, but I'm fast running out of love and patience for black men. I can see my hopes and dreams for the future I desire slipping through my fingers and am seriously considering opening up the field to non-black guys seeing as I've experienced nothing but disappointment and hurt from black men.

Maybe I've been unlucky or maybe I choose the wrong ones, but by simple law of averages, considering the number of black men I have dated in the last 12-13 years, one of them should've been a successful match by now.

I'm inclined to agree with the sentiments echoed in the comment above: "I wouldn't say give up I'd say love them at a distance and openly date other races".

Otherwise a lot of us black women are gonna end up old, childless and lonely.

Anonymous said...

Black women rarely date outside of their race because people of other races rarely like black women. Black men are dating outside of their race because they're getting tired of the combative, closed-mindedness too. The few black women who aren't like that are immediately pursued while the angry ones (like the lady above) just get more bitter. Change the stereotype and watch men come running back.

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