HOW FORGIVENESS FEELS.....

In my previous post, I spoke on forgiveness and the torment I felt with the emminent visit from my father.  Well, I will attempt to explain how things went down and how I think forgiveness feels.

Upon seeing my father that first day of his arrival, I felt almost numb.  I wasn't excited, I wasn't angry, I wasn't happy, I just felt numb.  I did feel a little nervousness, but overall, nothing else.  On the drive to my house, you would think that we would be talking to catch up being that we haven't seen each other in over 5 years, but we weren't.  We chatted a little, but not much.  As I expected, it was a little aquard for the both of us.  When we arrived at my son's school to pick him up, he was surprised and excited to see his Grandfather.  It warmed my heart to see that.

That night at home, my son and my father, talked and laughed and talked and talked and talked.  If I haven't mentioned this before, my son is a TALKER, so having his Grandfather there to listen and respond to the things he had on his mind was heaven for him.  The next day was Thanksgiving, we had dinner with my family at my Aunt's house and my family was very happy to see my father as they had not seen him in over 20 or so years.  We actually had a good time.  The following Friday, Black Friday, we planned to drive to NYC to visit my father's sister who is in a nursing home after suffering a couple of strokes.  The beginning of the day went as planned, we had breakfast, dressed and loaded the car for a 4 hour drive to NYC.  I was feeling a little better about being with him, conversation flowed between us a little better, and having my son around made it a little bit easier.  As we pull off, we decided to stop for lunch, well on the way to get lunch, we got in a car accident. It felt like a dream to me.  I immediately began to cry.  All the stress of his visit, and other things that were going on at the time, just hit me as I hit the car ahead of me.  Luckily, no one was hurt.  Only my car.  My father and my son comforted me, as I cried for hours.  I didn't cry for the accident only, I cried for several reasons.  I felt a release almost.  My BF came over, and I cried more.  He was there to comfort me and take me to handle my business with the rental and other things.  As we all sat at my home, we began to talk.  My father began to open up about things in his past that I never knew.  He began from his childhood, his teenage years, his college years and into adulthood.  My father lost his father at a very young age, he was murdered.  He lost his mom at the age of 11, she too was murdered.  He and his sister were raised by their maternal grandmother and grandfather.  I cried and I cried hearing his story.  I cried for him being a young boy with no direction, and a young boy seeing his mom on a stretcher with the white sheet being pulled over her head.  He explained to me that for years, although he didn't realize it, he was literally trying to commit suicide without actually committing suicide.  He didn't want to live.  He didn't know what to do with the pain that he was feeling.  The murders of his mom and dad were not the only pains that he suffered, there were many, but those seemed to be the beginning of them.  As he shared his story, he also told me some things that I needed to hear him say.  He explained that he didn't understand my anger for a long time, but being that he is now in a place where he can think and feel, not only pain, but other emotions, he realizes that I too was in pain.  He apologized to me.  He told me that he loved me, and has loved me since the day I was born.  He asked for my forgiveness. I know some may think, "yeah, but he wasn't there", I too feel that, but this post is about forgiveness and I'm trying my best to explain how forgiveness feels. For him to open up the way that he did, in front of my Boo, a man he's only met once, said a lot to me.  For one, it said to me that my father is not ashamed any longer of the man he was.  It showed me that he is striving to be a better man.  He showed me that he no longer wants to pretend that things are all good with him and his daughter.

During that conversation, the more I cried the lighter I felt.  He cried too.  His big brown eyes that look just like mine, shed tears that I'm sure he waited years to shed.  The same tears that I shed that day, from the same big brown eyes that we share.  We made it to NYC, without incident.  The trip was good for him.  He was able to see his sister, and she was so surprised and happy to see her brother.  The next few days went by very quickly.  He was scheduled to leave that following Tuesday, and my son cried at the thought of his granddad leaving.  I must admit, I too was a little sad.  When departure day arrived, I allowed my son to stay home from school, so that he could spend the last day with him.  When we arrived at the bus station, I never thought I would feel what I felt.  I actually felt that I didn't want him to leave.  As he boarded the bus, he cried, my son cried and yes, I cried too.  It was a feeling that I NEVER thought I'd feel in regards to my father.

  What I've learned is that, this "meeting" between father and daughter was supposed to happen.  I learned that my father encountered some things before his trip here that almost made him not come.  I look at it like, it was time for me to let go of the pain as well as time for him to let go of the guilt he was feeling.  I now believe that this was a God ordained meeting.  The enemy tried to stop it, but he did not win. 

So, how does forgiveness feel?  It feels like all the things people say about it.  It feels like a weight lifted off of your shoulders.  It feels like you can finally breathe clearly, with clean air going through your lungs.  It feels like the best is yet to come.

If I have any tid bit for today, I would say, give forgiveness a try. 

Peace.

Sweet T